Honestly, I had no idea they were gonna actually make us tour Tekong. I thought we were just gonna go sit in some comfy air-conditioned place and watch them swear in or something. But NO! Trust them to come up with a truly ridiculous bus ride down TEKONG HIGHWAY to tour the facilities. (In Heels! 4-inch Stilettos!) Like I said before, very idiotic decision of mine. And we had to walk on the track and I was so so worried my heels may sink into the track and never come loose again. My mother was more worried about me damaging their property and having to pay for it. Whatever. Oh and we got to climb stairs too. And that bit was pretty hilarious. I couldn't help but notice the guys showing us around liked to crowd around the bottom of the staircases. I wonder why? I think they call it sensory deprivation. Poor starved souls, them. Didn't help that my dress was not the safest thing to wear on a particularly windy day. So I had people laughing at me when I was boarding and disembarking the ferry, when I was going up and down stairs, and just generally whenever a slightly stronger breeze came my way.

Oh and ironically, Tekong has a very very nice view. Farther away from the BMTC itself, the landscape looks almost serene, like an island paradise. but then you see all the cannons, and you realise it's nothing like what it seems. Sigh.

But, the point I was trying to make is, that it sucks to be home again. Sure I appreciate having the space to myself, and having enough privacy to do just as I want - like coming out of the shower wrapped in a towel and dripping water all the way into my room, like walking around the house in PJs till it's time to change into a fresh set and go to bed again, like sneaking up on my brother and freaking the hell out of him when I'm bored and in desperate need of entertainment, like eating in front of the tv, on my mom's bed, on my own bed, on my brother's bed, on the floor, at the dining table, or anywhere I want. But it's just not the same!

It was weird, that first day back. It's like nothing has changed, but I just didn't know where to look for the things I needed. I didn't know where the toiletries where, I didn't know where the towels were, I didn't know where my own PJs were. I had to ask for everything and that made me feel like an outsider. Oh and I still don't have bedsheets cos my Mom misplaced them and now has to search. Also, there's been a drastic change in the dynamics. The past few times I was always back with the bf, so on the surface, it's like we're a happy family again, but boy, was I in for a shock.

I need to go buy my own set of toiletries. In my absence, they've stocked up on stuff I really really don't like. Shampoo that dries out my hair, DETTOL shower foam... ew. Please give me a break. Thank God for the little tube of manuka that I kept from before I left. Makes me smell like honey!

I left a bottle of scent at the bf's so am using Pink Hearts again. It reminds me of the times with Rico though. So. Yikes. It's like how the smell in the hallway closet reminds me of MJ, and how Almond reminds me of Sec 4. Shrug. Beautiful smells that just now feel so uncomfortable.

Speaking of MJ. My mom apologized to me that day, in the car, back from Tekong. She apologized for something I've long gotten over. Or I thought I did, but it's like no matter how many times you're disappointed, you never really get used to it. And the old tears kinda just welled up again. It's sad, really, what might have been had she found that little bit more faith in me. Apparently, her friend finally talked her round, indirectly, and unintentionally. See, her friend voiced the same views that I had expressed nearly three years ago. For some reason, it was unbelievable then, but not so absurd to her now.

I don't resent her for it, really, not anymore. It just makes me wonder why, and what I did, that could have had that profound, damaging, effect on our trust. Trust is so very important.

Still if I hadn't come this way, I would have missed out on some truly life altering experiences and enlightening moments, and honestly, I feel I'm a better person now because of all I've been through. Regardless if there was such an intention in the first place.

So all in all, it's just another year in the 19 to my name. In less than two weeks, it'll be my 20th. There's a mix of dread and eager anticipation. I don't know what lies after that threshold. I don't even know what I'll be doing six months from now. But this time, I know it'll be something I'm not going to regret. That's my promise to myself, on the brink of the twenties. And that's one of them that I'm planning to keep.