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Tuesday, August 30, 2005 I think I thought I saw you try, but that was just a dream. Kae: how could this happen to me!~? says: -shrug- Kae: how could this happen to me!~? says: alittle weird today you and you can't bear the pain. says: why do you say so. Kae: how could this happen to me!~? says: its as if you dislike yourself in someway Someone's finally hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what I've been feeling. Like I loathe being who I am. And after some careful introspection, I've realized that (shock and horror) it is true. I'm likely to get banned from promos because I don't have 90% attendance. Which effectively means that I have wasted two years of my precious youth, doing something I abhor, and gotten nothing as a result. Strange enough, I don't care much. So I'm going to be booted out of school and probably out of the house too, but somehow, it doesn't matter to me. Not anymore. I remember the times when I used to care so much about grades. Last year, with all my big dreams. Seems really far away now. I'm depressed and I'm annoyed. Depression isn't a weakness, it's an illness. All Bullshit. I'm weak. And wooden. And weak. AnRu reminisced at 10:44:00 PM.
Monday, August 29, 2005 I take almost morbid pleasure in reading my astrology profile. I'm not particularly narcissistic or anything, but I have to say Scorpios are fascinating. Anyway. Work's piling up. Everyone's in a variation of depression. Those who aren't, are in denial. Shit I hate school. Yes yes I know that at the end of the day the process really doesn't matter, as long as you get the results. But bloody hell, I can't help being the way I am. Ironic enough, I love life too much to be satisfied with...this. I really can't stand myself half the time. When I'm not too busy worshipping myself, that is. See, that's another thing that annoys the hell out of me. Teachers' Day's coming up round the corner. I remember this time last year. When I emailed Chew and she asked if I wanted to meet up to discuss my...options. I guess I never really appreciated all I had. I think I did, sometimes, but just..I don't know. What is considered appreciation anyway? One can never appreciate enough. I don't know what I'm going on about. I'm depressed. I think I think too much. Or maybe not enough. Maybe I'm just going around in circles. Whatever. I think I'm going stark raving mad. Tried to watch Othello today, but there was too much movement, too much explicit intimacy. It was too loud, too in-your-face. Kind of like Romeo and Juliet, but they didn't even bother keeping the plot. Sigh. Waste of good time. I hate long fragmented entries. They represent a crumbling mind. My crumbling mind. Yes, I'm falling to pieces. And no one's around to pick me up. I hate self pity. Isn't it totally disgusting. I like being mean. I like sarcasm. I like putting people down. I guess that makes me pretty nasty. But hey, I'm alright with being nasty. I'd rather be nasty than nice, if that's what keeps me from being trampled all over. I don't know what I'm saying. I guess I'll stop here. I guess we'll keep this all to ourselves. AnRu reminisced at 10:11:00 PM.
Saturday, August 27, 2005 Falling Falling dreams are another theme that is quite common in the world of dreams. Contrary to a popular myth, you will not actually die if you do not wake up before your hit the ground during a fall.
Swan To see a swan in a lake or pond, is a good omen, signaling a future of prestige and wealth. Swans are symbolic of grace, beauty, and dignity. Cut To dream that you have a cut, suggests that you are being let down or being undermined. Alternatively, it refers to feminine sexuality and feminine attitudes toward sex. In particular, if the cuts are on your legs, then it symbolizes an imbalance. You are unable to stand up for yourself. To dream that you are cutting yourself, indicates that you are experiencing some overwhelming turmoil or problems in your waking life. You are trying to disconnect yourself from the unbearable pain you are experiencing. Ballet To dream that you are watching a ballet, symbolizes balance, cooperation, and harmony. To see or wear ballet slippers in your dream, represents your understanding of the principles of balance and grace. You carry yourself with much poise and get along well with others. AnRu reminisced at 11:44:00 AM.
Since there is practically no other way of getting to you, I have to post everything here, for everyone to read. First of all, you're not the only one getting hurt. I hate to have to do this to you, but it isn't fun for me either. I didn't stop loving you. Just realized that Love couldn't make every single thing all right. I could have chosen to be selfish and cowardly and clung on to you. I could have refused to face up to reality and continued being with you. But at the end of the day, life wouldn't get easier for either of us. Perhaps you don't feel it yet, but you have to agree that our lives are different. We cannot give the support each of us needs. You often say that I don't understand you, and I will admit as much. I don't know your life. I've never been through anything you have. I don't understand and I cannot, ever. Similarly, you don't understand me either. Ever wondered what I really wanted to say when I started a sentence then finished by saying nevermind or nothing? There's so much that I cannot say to you. There's so much that I know you will never understand, simply because it's never happened to you. There's so much I don't bother telling you for fear that you might take it the wrong way. You may continue blaming me for hurting you, for betraying your faith in me, and any other hideous sin that I am innocent of. I'll take the blame. Because you did warn me of our differences, way early on, probably in January. And I did ignore your warnings. So I'll take the blame for as long as you feel like blaming me. But there is one thing that I will not do. And that is to sit by and watch as you degrade what we had, into something that was mere folly. I don't regret loving you. And I still do. You might not understand all my reasons for having to break up with you, but think of this. Would it have been any better to say that my parents would never accept you? We had a real relationship. It wasn't about me taking you for granted, just to have someone around. You may accuse me of everything, but not of playing you. I did not. And I would never. Because I've been played and I would never wish that on anyone else. Life doesn't just suck for you alone. Life sucks for me too. Life sucks even more without you around. You could make it that much better by forgiving me, soon. Or you could make it worse for me, by continuing to hurl abuse at me. I'm not going to stop you. I can't. It's your choice. You can choose to make me happier, or even more depressed. And I'm not going to remind you of what you would have done, this same time last week. What you would have done when I still closed my eyes to reality. AnRu reminisced at 12:15:00 AM.
Thursday, August 25, 2005 I am SO so depressed. I thought he'd just blocked and deleted me from everything including friendster. Deleted my testimonial too. But it turns out that I don't even have his testimonial for me anymore. Talk about a clean break, huh? And I thought I was heartless. Ahh. School rocks. No, like seriously. At least 5 people have cried in the span of two days. We just have too much protein in our body. Went to the doctor for an mc. Said I was having sharp pains in my stomach (which was true!!) and she sent me for a urine test. Didn't realize what she was testing for at first, but when I did..Gosh, it was hilarious. Testing for pregnancy. And when I went back to her with the results stating, very clearly, that I was not pregnant, she gave me a really incredulous look and said, as if it were the most ridiculous thing on earth.. "You're not pregnant!" Oh come on. I wouldn't go to a doctor to test for pregnancy. I'd test at home and freak out. Gee. Haha..The last time I went there, they made me do a blood test. I wonder what they want to test next. I have a new number! But I'm still using my old one. Haha. All in the name of free incoming. M card! So yea. Call me. Whee. AnRu reminisced at 4:23:00 PM.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005 I should have left it in April. I shouldn't given both of us false hope. I shouldn't have asked him back. I shouldn't have been selfish and clung on tight when I knew there would be no future with him. In the end, I just cannot imagine a future. I cannot imagine spending a lifetime waking up beside him, though I really want to. He can, but I can't. Besides that, we really didn't have any problems. He's a wonderful guy and I wish him all the best. But he doesn't want my well wishes anymore. And I don't blame him for that. Twice, I trampled all over his ego. And we all know that ego is one thing that guys will never lose. Yet, he asked me, practically begged me for another chance. He wants to save us. But, there's just no point. I had to tell him that. It hurts me too, but it's really for the best. We had our good times, let's leave it at that. I'll remember you, and I love you. But sometimes, love isn't enough. Love doesn't make the world go round. And I'm sorry I had to teach you that lesson. I didn't cheat, neither did he. None of us did anything to jeopardize this, but it just came to a point when it was blatant that it would all end one day. No matter how happy we can be, it's only temporary. I had to make him understand that. Be cruel to be kind, you know. One day, I'll look back and probably wonder why I'm so stupid, but right now, it seems like the best I can do for him. He'll find someone better suited, I know it. And he'll make her the happiest girl on earth. Simply because he's what he is. He's perfect, just not for me. I'm too selfish and egoistic to change myself for him. And there's really nothing I can ask him to change for me. I love you, and that's why I had to break up with you. There's no future for us. I love you and I want you to be happy, ultimately. And I can't give you that. It was fate that we met, and it was love that we had. But..our paths are never going to intersect again, and the gap is only going to get wider. Let go, while we still can. It's the only thing we can do. One day, you will understand. I meant it when I said I still do want to be your friend. You'll always have a place in my heart. You pulled me through one of the toughest times, I can't forget you for that. I want to know you 20 years down the road, I want to be there at your wedding with your dream girl. I want to congratulate you when you get your own business. I want to do so much for you. But right now, the only thing I can do, is set you free. And hope you won't hate me. Because I don't hate you. I've never hated you and I could never. Sabby says I should treasure any fool that comes along and loves me. And I do. I really do. And I thank you. But I don't think I believe in love anymore. AnRu reminisced at 7:41:00 PM.
I love you. AnRu reminisced at 12:12:00 AM.
Saturday, August 20, 2005 I loathe the way she degrades someone to prove a point, the way she insists on being right each and every goddamned time. I detest the way I'm turning out like her. Sarcasm is no longer just a vehicle for humour, it isn't even for easy expression anymore. It's now for lashing out at others, for intentional harm. When I'm being sarcastic, I mean for you to feel hurt. Well, most of the time anyway. Anyway, so it's cold war again, as Jamie so succintly puts it. [I fucking hate this keyboard, but not like it's relevant at all.] I am very much aware that I have lots to lose, thank you very much. But honestly, how long can this last anyway. Sooner or later she's going to have to realize she can't control me every fucking step of the bleeding way. I'm going to grow up, with or without her help, whether she likes it or not. And no matter how I turn out to be, I am going to end up leaving her and her nest. And there is not a single thing she can do about it. It'd do her good, it'd do everyone good, if she just learns that lesson soon. Like real soon. Cos I need money, and she ain't giving any. I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over. I wanna know right now, what will it be. She can throw me out, she can refuse to pay for things, she can confiscate things without giving me reasons, she can be as unreasonable as she damned well likes, and there is nothing I can do about it. I know that. I know that as well as she does. But in the end, this family, this house - nothing, belongs to her. She can leave, but she has no right to make anyone else leave. What the hell is it with setting (god forbid) curfews at ten, screening my friends and filtering out those she doesn't like, and ignoring every single goddamned thing I have done to save myself and nullifying it all with a single "you've been wasting your life". Woman, I don't know the guy up there who gave you the fucking right to judge my life. But hey, guess what, your opinion of me matters more to you than it does to me. Your words aren't going to cut me like they used to. Because, whether you like it or not, you no longer have my respect. And god bless those who lose my respect. You lose that, you lose everything that I would ever give. It's more common than you think. AnRu reminisced at 10:45:00 PM.
Friday, August 19, 2005 Been a long time. So much has happened. Well, not really much. I don't know. In this past week, I have been thrown out of the house, gotten myself a godmother and acquired a younger sister. I've also been to school a grand total of three times, and attended four lessons. Skipped a math test, skipped a training. Worn a pink bikini, and bought a red one. Bought my first sunflower too. Why don't I start from the beginning. I went out on Sunday after PW. Met him and we went shopping for heels. My mom called, screamed at me, then hung up. Decided I didn't want to go home and get more of that. So we stayed out, late. Finally ended up on Jamie's doorstep at 3, after ignoring a couple hundred calls from the parents, and after losing my first ring. Sigh. Monday saw us both too lazy to get to school. So we slept in. Why don't I continue for her? Hehe. Guest blogger aka the younger sister Jamie here. Wahaha. Of course we were so tired we refused to crawl out of bed so we slept till like 12? Then Anru called for the delivery man aka the boyfriend Rico to deliver us lunch. So we rotted at home and watched Bring it On. It was kinda funny. Anru and Rico were hanky pankying so much that I had to make my entrance really loud each time I stepped into my OWN living room. How fun can that get? Hmmm.... Bad influence on the younger sister. Tsk tsk. Of course finally Rico managed to get her big fat arse out of my house and back home, stupid Anru had to realise that she had gotten chucked out of her own house. So oh well. Back to my cozy land. Wahaha. And here she stayed for 4 days and 3 nights. Rental? Of course not. Being the nicest and sweetest sister I am. She shared my pjs [Cardcaptor sakura one with lotsa hearts], my undies that said 'I love U', and of course all my clothes. Wahah. We happen to be the exact same size u see. Lol. Of course Anru needed her daily dose of Rico La. So she went to meet her boyfriend while I stayed home to finish my econs CSQ. Well she smartly opened the door for herself. We yakked and yakked and yakked and yakked and yakked until we finally decided that we were hungry so we went out in the middle of the night [2am] for nasi lemak. How very sinful. Then came Tuesday. Being the school lover that I am we went to school. Haha. Anru went to school and didn't attend a single lesson cept for PE. There wasn't anything to do for PE though. Haha. We sat at the grand stand and happily gloated at the people running 2.4. After lessons ended we went home. Aiya. It's too long a story. There's the sun the tanning the sky the ugly fat ah peks at the swimming pool. The huge sun flower. The call in the middle of the night. And the CUTe swimming instructor who had a GORGEOUS bod but was too fair. Well that could be helped. Wahah. In short. Anru got chucked out of the house, stayed with me and we had lotsa fun. Wahaha. Oh and she bought a blardy bright red bikini. Under my influence. Just 5 hours before that she's still saying I wld never be seen in one. Wahahaha. I am good influence. Yea. Then she went home. AnRu reminisced at 9:05:00 PM.
Sunday, August 14, 2005 Oh yes, before I forget, I got a haircut on the 8th of August. Yea. No more ponytail for me. Haha..I kind of miss it. Just a little. AnRu reminisced at 3:10:00 PM.
Saturday, August 13, 2005 This is yet another one of those days, when I wake up wondering just what I've been doing. The past couple of weeks (actually the whole year) has passed by in a blur, without anything concrete being accomplished. I've changed a whole lot, and I'm not sure I like the change. I've done some pretty stupid things that (of course) I wish I could undo, but I'm learning not to harp on that anymore. I..don't know. Part of me honestly thinks that this year's much better than the last, but there's always this little nagging suspicion that I'm just being delusional. I don't want another entry comparing last year with this one that's passing by. It's ending soon enough anyway. But I can't help but believe I was more in control of everything last year. Ironic though, because it's the unforseen and unavoidable circumstances that have landed me in this year. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. My horoscope tells me it's high time to let go of something that I've grown familiar with. Something that might be restraining me from exploring more. It just so happens that the wacked up thing is accurate more than half the time, so I'm wondering if... No, that's stupid. It's utterly ridiculous. I can't imagine saying it. I'll just wait and see how things go. But at this rate, I guess it'll happen sooner than I'd previously expected. I wouldn't say I'm pressured, and I wouldn't say I'm stressed. He ranted at me a few days ago, about his wish to give the best to people. And it struck me that..Hey! I used to be like that.. But he didn't let me finish that thought. We left it at that and it's stuck with me since. I'm not sure I'd call this guilt, but it's definitely a disappointment. I used to be that way, and suddenly, I'm not anymore. Where did it all go? Saying I lost all that heart because of external events is almost as silly as saying my heart stopped beating because the wind stopped blowing. Or something equally stupid. But the wind is blowing. But I digress. So I guess the point is, I've suddenly caught a glimpse of my former self, in a passing shadow around the corner. And I wonder if it's too late to catch up. And I'm not sure I want to catch up, because time lets us forget many grievances that seemed galactic at the point of..My vocabulary fails me. Conception, occurance..? I don't know. I'm rambling. And sometimes it's a way of organizing thoughts. My brother's coming home. My aunt's coming home. Everybody's coming home. I've just always been hiding at home. "Wide Open Spaces" Who doesn't know what I'm talking about Who's never left home, who's never struck out To find a dream and a life of their own A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone Many precede and many will follow A young girl's dream no longer hollow It takes the shape of a place out west But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed She needs wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes She needs new faces She knows the high stakes She traveled this road as a child Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired But now she won't be coming back with the rest If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test She needs wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes She needs new faces She knows the high stakes She knows the high stakes As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!" Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl" She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago" When she stood there and let her own folks know She needed wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes She needs new faces She knows the high stakes She knows the highest stakes She knows the highest stakes She knows the highest stakes She knows the highest stakes AnRu reminisced at 4:04:00 PM.
Thursday, August 11, 2005 Slut! Desdemona If I were Desdemona I wouldn't keep my honour. Gladly him I'd snog. Him who my husband would flog. O yes, Othello I'd wed For he is with glory fed. But Cassio would I seek For he isn't quite as thick. O, if Desdemona I was With men I'd fill my paws. Courtesy of Denise, a.k.a Big Black AnRu reminisced at 6:12:00 PM.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005 I hope everyone's enjoyed their National Day break, because school's starting in just a few hours! -freaks out- So, like I was teling Vaish (before she rudely interrupted me with talk on University applications), I've caught the bimbo bug! Been keeping the wrong company, obviously. Let's see. I've eaten all of one piece of sushi and half a hotdog today (neither of which I paid for), because I've spent every single other penny I own on clothes and cab fare. So yes. I am officially broke. Not in the typical "I'm broke" sense, whereby I keep 20 bucks for emergencies, but in the all too real I -have-5-cents-in-my-pocket-in-case-anyone-wants-to-mug-me sense. Yay. I'm going to have to starve for the rest of this week and the next to cover my expenses, just for these past five days. And I don't even know what I've spent on. Erm. What, two tops, one skirt, a haircut, cab fare, erh..pads? Oh and Jamie owes my surrogate mother money. And I want new heels! Sigh. No more shopping, at least till promos are over and done with. Yes! -steely resolve- Oh who am I kidding. This country sucks. Every single day is occasion for some sale or other. National Day sales! 40% off storewide! How am I supposed to keep my money in the bank if this continues! Jamie is bad influence. Real bad influence. Kit Lu too, actually. She picked the skirt, after all. Then didn't want to buy it. If she'd bought it, I could have saved myself $7.60 because I wouldn't want a skirt identical to hers. AHH. I want heels. I want heels. Even if they're pink like Jamie's. Actually, pink's not such a bad color. I wonder how many people I shocked with that statement. I've spent $153.20 on clothes since the June holidays. And that's not inclusive of what he's spent on me. Which is probably more. Oh My Gosh. Time to spend more time at home. Studying. YEA. AnRu reminisced at 11:51:00 PM.
Sunday, August 07, 2005 Digging through my MSN message history, I found this. "don't bother talking to me." "go away." 18 July. Pretty enlightening, I have to say. So it's true that I saw it coming, a long way off. Going to go pick Jamie up now, then do econs. AnRu reminisced at 9:59:00 PM.
AnRu reminisced at 7:02:00 PM.
Friday, August 05, 2005 I'm breaking my "no nonsense posts" rule. Haha. Fun. AnRu reminisced at 2:44:00 PM.
Monday, August 01, 2005 Had a really strange dream last night. I think I was a psychologist in an African country. Well, not really sure if it was African, but its population was mostly black. A woman was recounting a particularly traumatic incident. Some years ago, a travelling gypsy set up shop on the beachfront, providing cosmetic surgery for any woman who wanted it. (I know that's not exactly possible, given the extremely delicate nature of the operation, but it was a dream alright? Dreams aren't supposed to make much sense.) My patient wasn't a particularly beautiful woman, but she had her own attraction. And a very violent husband. He dragged her down to the gypsy's one day, and with some help, tied her to a chair. After which he gave specific instructions to have most of her features altered to his liking. Without anaesthetic, the gypsy starts to carry out his orders. And I'm taken through flashes of my patient screaming, bleeding rivers and having parts of her scalp marked out in stark red. Not from any ink, but from scratches made by the gypsy's sharp nails. And the whole time, her husband sat by and watched, calling out occasionally, for the gypsy to change yet another thing about his wife. Think the dream ended with my patient in tears (of course). Then she looked up at me for the first time, and I recognized the face, just can't put a name to it. The results of the surgery were obvious, but so was the scarring. There was nothing left in her eyes, just..I dunno. A scared ten-year-old, perhaps. Freaky dreams, eh? When that dream ended, my mom suddenly appeared and prodded my cheek, trying to wake me up for school. I got a really huge shock and for a milisecond, I imagined that I was the one tied to that chair, with someone making marks all over my face. Haha. Anyway, point is I didn't go to school today. Went to the doctor. And had some tests done, though I was there only for the MC. He made me go for a blood test. Oh my freaking lord. I hate needles. Needles bad. Very bad. And some other heart test. They stuck cold electrodes all over my body. Instead of just simply prescribing iron tablets like I suggested. He eventually did end up giving me the tablets. But not before they bled me dry. Ugh. But yes, Michelle is absolutely right when she says that watching your own blood flow is "morosely fascinating". I totally agree. Watched The Island with my boy afterwards. Which was a lot more enjoyable than the visit to the doctor. I swear, next time I want an MC, I'm not going to bother with creativity. Even though everything I told the doc was true, including the fact that I only need iron tablets! Gee. He should learn to trust the patient more. I mean, come on, NO ONE asks for iron tablets just for the sake of it. Yes. Anyway. The Island is a good show. For a commentary, go here. And search for it. Haha. He told his mom that I was sick, and she sent him out to take me to the doctor. Nothing much else to say about today. Feeling..empty. Or just a quiet contentment. I'm not sure which. I know there's a vast difference, but they feel almost identical to me. Right now, anyway. AnRu reminisced at 9:43:00 PM.
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Hurt and Deceived 18 November Dead and Gone I Turn To denise eternity georgia jamie leona lionel michelle neha priscilla samantha shane shujun terence terry vaish will yixuan Engraved In The Lines Of Yesterday
Tell Me Your Lies
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