i miss you.

Left James Blunt on loop last night, while I slept. It was fitful at best, and left me feeling like absolute shite this morning. Doesn't help, how I was woken up - managed to roll over my phone in the night, and when someone called this morning, I felt an earthquake.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

This year seems set to teach us the last lesson of our childhood; that adulthood ain't ever gonna be the same. I'm beginning to envy Calvin, so self-assured in his peter pan reality.

Saw a seagull outside my window a couple of weeks ago. Seagulls are a rare sight, even though I live near the sea. All my life, I've never once seen a gull on our little island. The only time I came close enough to touch them, was in New Zealand, in Kaikoura, where we were supposed to be whale watching. But something was wrong with the weather, and all the whales were heading out to the deep end of their pool, and we couldn't follow. So we sat around feeding the gulls instead. I had the prettiest daisy behind my ear, with my pants rolled up, wading in the freezing Pacific. The beach was of the finest, cleanest sand ever, and far towards the horizon, the Pacific wore a different shade - from deep, glassy blue to light clear green. The colours of that day, no one could describe them.

A seagull took me back. Took me through the years, over an entire continent, crossing vast bodies of water, to that beach, to the glaring sunshine, to the biting wind, to the little visitor booth, to the quaint little street I eventually followed on barefoot.

I think I never really understood how vast the ocean really is, when all I had was East Coast Park; too linear, and too artificial for a connection with nature. But on that beach, and many others, the ocean is enveloped in a cove. And in the distance you see nothing but water. And the occasional dolphin, seal, whale, or other sign of life. When you're faced with such majesty, it's difficult not to see God's hand in things.

Strangely enough, I thought about religion today. I made a comment about the public display of faith, and how I abhorred it. I do. Faith, religion, spirituality, whatever anyone calls it, is intensely private. It's the part of you that's tied to the universe, to your surroundings, to whatever you have no explanation for, and seek none for. It's your thoughts, your feelings, your experiences, your interpretation. How can it ever be so similar with another to be made public? Therein lies the irony. That so many would just blindly follow religion, for perhaps the wrong reasons, when religion is essentially within, not without.

AnRu reminisced at 11:54:00 PM.