I remember when you used to love me.

I want to scream and throw things. I want to claw at walls, I want to bleed. I want to end this misery. The tears come and go, and hysteria accompanies them. I would never believe anyone if they tried to tell me betrayal hurts this much. Now I know all too well.

I won't see you tonight so I can keep from going insane


You know I love you, but that knowledge was never enough to keep you secure, to keep you faithful. You don't bother covering your tracks. I've told you before that you are free to do as you will, as you wish, as long as I never find out, as long as I never have to deal with the mountain of evidence against you. But you can't protect me; not even from that.

You ask that I trust you. And when I hear your voice everything makes sense. But every morning I wake up to the same nightmare, and yet you think it is I who has been unfaithful. Every morning I find out about something else, some new detail that you neglected to mention, something you tried to hide, even while being "completely open and honest" with me.


The days end with me ignoring my better judgment; I fall for your traps over and over. I convince myself I would rather be with you and never stop wondering, then not be with you at all. I try to believe I am happier this way.


But it gets tougher with each passing day, with each new girl I find out about, with each new encounter I hear of. I thought our Love would stand all trials. But these trials are new, these trials I've never had the pleasure of undergoing. These trials will kill me.


I want you to leave. I want to be alone to lick my wounds. Everytime you say "nothing happened" you open a new gash in me. And just when I think I've found the courage to ask you to go, the little voice speaks up again.



What if?

AnRu reminisced at 8:13:00 PM.