Long ago, I lost my soul to some forgotten dream. And how was I supposed to know, it wasn't what it seemed.

i am a competitor. i am an egoist. i had a dream once. a long time ago. and it faded for some time. but last friday, it seemed there was a chance the dream might be realised. i know now that i was still dreaming.

Written sometime in June 2003. That's about when the depression started, I guess. Can't trace it any further back cos there isn't any record.

Spending a lot more time being holed up in my room these days. I rise early and sleep late. I wonder about nothing at all. I stare at the ceiling in mute horror. I play songs without hearing. I do things without knowing.

My room is filling with the smell of blood. If I shut my eyes I can just imagine someone being hacked into itty bitty pieces in this supposedly safe haven of mine.

Spent today in a daze again. Been thinking of and dreaming of things past and present. It's almost as if my mind is on playback, preparing for what might or might not happen. I dreamt of Vaish and Dell, two very unlikely characters to appear in my dreams. I dreamt of Denise, saying in an aristocratic voice "drinking Milo and little obscenities like that". I dreamt of Hunter asking where I've been hiding at. I dreamt of the 410 classroom. I dreamt of Mrs Chew.

Rico asked to see my childhood photos out of the blue, a couple of days ago. So I sieved through all that I had and picked two albums. From the times when my Mom would cuddle me and kiss me and tell me she loved me. From when she'd hold me till the storm passed. From when she'd tell me everything was going to turn out fine. From when she ... wanted me. From when I had not a care in the world. From when I thought my Dad was God and my Mom an angel. From when rabbits had names and everyone had smiles.

Seal cries out in a voice tearing with emotion "believe me".

Don't beg, don't pray.

I grew up, that much is apparent. But do we really have to lose all that, chasing someone we may never become? Michelle once asked why I chose to give up something I had, for something in the future that may or may not happen. How was I to know how things would change?

You can get what you want, or you can just get old.

I really have no idea what I'm chasing anymore. It might be there, just out of sight. Or it may never have existed at all. I'm not sure I really want to find out. The only thing that's keeping me going is my little support group and him. He's been a great pillar of strength and to some extent, provider of wisdom and maturity. Yet, after all that has passed last year, I can't help but wonder if it'll all end the same way, if he'd really be happier without me. If everyone would be happier if I just disappear.

I don't wanna start over again. I just want my life to be the same, just like it used to be. Somedays I hate everything. I hate everything. Everyone and everything. Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.

My playlist is telling my life story.

The nights you filled with fireworks, they left you with nothing.
It's a long way down to nothing at all.

I'd drown if I stay here.

By the way, I tried to say, I know you, from before.

My Dad just knocked and left dinner outside my door. Guess it's pretty much understood that I'm never coming out and never speaking to anyone. Which brings me back to So Much To Tell You and Marina. I still can't figure out what really happened to her.

I know I'll regret any move I make. But right now, anything seems better in comparison to the present... state.

AnRu reminisced at 6:40:00 PM.