Some things I should have run from.

It's one of those days when I have lots to say. But am not quite sure if I'll see it through to the end.

Made quite a few discoveries today.

First and foremost, after all that my Dad has done, I still prefer him to my mom. Yes, I'm calling him Dad. And I'll call him papa too. I'm over it. Completely. I realize that he is truly sorry and attempting to make up for it. Previously, he steered clear of my mom when she was in one of her murderous moods. Now, he braves hell's fury to defend me when she's being unreasonable. People make mistakes. Some learn from them. I believe he's one of them. It's unfair for her to use it against him everytime some small argument pops up. After all, it didn't happen to her. If anyone ought to bring it up, it would be me. But I won't. Not anymore. I love my Dad.

Secondly, (actually, screw the numbering.) Eddison says I'll make a fine lawyer. According to him, I'm all talk and no thought. And I'm feisty. That's twice in two days that the word's been used to describe me. Basically I'd make a great lawyer, probably because I'm coldly rational. I look only at the surface, base my thoughts on hard evidence, without exploring their further significance. Which may or may not be true, I haven't quite decided.

I kill with my words, according to Jamie. And if I were a guy, she'd marry me. It's entertaining for her to watch me shoot people with my sarcasm. Especially when she's in IRC, desperate to hook up with some guy. Along comes the protective lesbian partner and screens. Haha. I'd do everything to flatten someone's ego. Which is admittedly nasty, but..fun. I am fully aware of what that says about my character, but it honestly doesn't matter much to me. I've degraded morally anyway.

Lastly, and most irrelevant of all, I'm not a B. Haha. Jamie says she can finally be proud of being a B. Don't ask me why I'm announcing to the whole world but it is, at the same time, fascinating and embarrassing for me to find out about this. I'm C. The horror, the horror! This time last year, I was A!! Looks like I got my mom's genes after all.

Okay after all that rather light-hearted chatter, I'm getting down to the important part.

Sometime in the late afternoon, I decided that the only reason I'm having trouble in school, is because of family problems. I know that sounds like I'm shoving the blame everywhere else but here. And I honestly don't know if that's it, but I don't think so. Environment does matter. would never have been caught dead saying that. I always thought environment only affected the weak. But it's true. Or maybe I'm just weak.

This afternoon when my parents started their usual brawl again, Jamie commented that it never happens in her home. I caught myself wondering what it'd be like, a home without violent words, without intention to harm. I don't want my family anymore. I've never felt quite so strongly about this. When Yee Han used to comment on my family being close-knit and all, I always scoffed and thought "if only you knew". But now I know. That there will never come the day when I learn to appreciate my family. I'm not filial, I know. But then again, there never was much of a family to speak of.

We only have one photo with all five of us in it. Taken when I was ten. Before it all started disintegrating, before I grew up. But I swear, it was fake. I remember getting into a fight before that photo was taken. They had to put concealer on me to cover the red blotches.

I grew up in a warzone. It's no wonder I turned out this way. My personality profile describes me as a potential terrorist. I have all the right characteristics, apparently. I'd make the perfect terrorist. I'm an extremist. I'm quick to anger. I'm passionate about that which I believe in. Passion without reason, is what makes killers.

I'm pretty screwed up, don't you think. And I'm not the kind for flings, that much is true. I'm not emotionally detached enough. I keep thinking I am, but I really am not.

I want to move out. I want to move away. I want to grow up. But I want to 18 forever. It's a good age. I'm not too old to have fun, but not too young to be oblivious either. There's an intensity to everything that I will never experience again. I want to turn 18 and never a day older. Or maybe 21. I dunno. I'm not there yet. I want a life of my own. I want to erase my past.

I got the sudden urge to clear my MSN list today. And I think I cleared about 20 people. I wanted to delete the entire list, change my mail address or something. But then I realized the amount of work that would include, and I decided against it. I want a clean break from the past. I want to get away from it all. I've had enough with this. I don't see the point of holding on to something that has been breaking down for the last 20 years.

She married to get away from her family. She didn't particularly care who she married. As long as she could lead a relatively comfortable, worry-free life. She didn't care that she didn't love him. She didn't care there was someone else in love with her. She didn't care much about anything, except to get as far away as possible from everything that was holding her back.

He married for someone to come home to. He married to have somebody keep his nest cozy and warm.

Such different people. Such different lives they could have led.

I'm scared.

AnRu reminisced at 9:49:00 PM.