They left you with nothing.

I don't know what to say. I guess this time it's final. My mom's got an appointment with the P for tomorrow morning. I don't want to be there.

Spent nearly 5 hours last night in paralysis. All I could feel was my scalp crawling with numbness, and the blanket like lead on my wasted legs.

Then I lay awake as the sun rose, hoping against hope that I'd never see it again.

You might think this the easy way out. You might think I'm running away. What if you saw it like me, that it was a losing battle? Wouldn't you cut your losses. You may think I don't know who I am, what I want to be. But I'll tell you that I know what I don't want to be. And that is to be yet another victim of the system. To be blinded, deafened and numb by what we've been told, in the pursuit of the Singaporean Dream.

In short, I quit. I'm only 18 once and 17 is a bad enough year. Call this anything you will - running away, hiding, refusing to face reality. Fine. That's all true, then. And while I'm at it, I may as well proclaim myself a coward, an idealist, a dreamer, and anything else anyone might care to add. I welcome it.

Say I'm afraid of the expectations I impose on myself. Say I don't know.

And I haven't the ability to convince you otherwise. All I can say is, this is the only way I see now. I could trundle along merrily with you down the path of guaranteed success and find myself broken and bound. Or I could choose to break my own bones taking a plunge like this, but coming out from it knowing I tried to save myself.

None of that makes sense to you, I know. And it would never have made sense to me before. You've got to live it to know it. I don't hope to change anyone's perception of this, but at least, respect my decision.

I have a right to live. And a right to choose my own torture.

If I have to be sane but unhappy, so be it. At least then I can have fun thinking about all the ways I went wrong.

One thing that I will never allow to happen to me, is to lose my mind. Because it is all I have. All I ever will have.

And going down this road leads to nothing but insanity. I've lost it more times in these past couple of days than I ever have, and ever hope to, again.

When will you believe me when I say that it'll never work out? When I finally do something out of sheer mania?

I don't want that to happen.

When all I have left are lousy options, all I can do is pick one and hope it wasn't the worst of the lot.

Maybe some day you will learn to understand that.

AnRu reminisced at 12:28:00 PM.