I know the way these things begin..

Made myself a promise, December 18, 2006. Now it seems either way I turn, I'll break that promise, and no matter what this year brings, I'll still be a child. Fighting the urge to claim I had nothing to do with it is harder than I imagined.

It's tiring, you see. It's draining. And it's hurting. The same issues get raised, the same words are yelled, the same end is reached, and we are all wounded again. Deeper cuts, redder blood. I haven't enough grace to deal with this. I'll never.

Coming Monday, I'll be acting in my most adult capacity yet - making a choice I will never be sure of, convincing myself it is for the best, telling myself I know what I'm doing, and holding tight to that unreasonable belief, if only to live another day.

I want a child, but I question my motives. I can't even deal with myself. All their failures remind me, what if?

What if. That's scarier than we thought.

AnRu reminisced at 1:20:00 PM.